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Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 5
Dec 2nd 2014
EPISODE 5, in which Varyar rallies his troops and shows why HE is the goddamned leader at RCM!
For a moment, Varyar thought he was dead. The explosion had been deafening, which made the silence that followed exceptionally stark. Unable to even blink, he watched as the flakes of ash fluttered against the night sky like snowflakes from Hell. Gradually, he became aware of an aching in his chest, his lungs burning with their plea to be given oxygen once more. In an instant, the initial shock wore off and he closed his eyes, gulping air into his harassed lungs as he assessed his bodily damage. Toes wiggle? Check. Fingers? Check. Raise arms? Check and check. Slowly he worked his way up to a sitting position and, feeling no breaks, attempted to stand. Silent no more, the ringing in his ears was nearly unbearable as equilibrium struggled to right itself, but Varyar knew that would pass in time. Thankful there didn't appear to be any major damage, he stumbled through the wreckage of his home in search of Arnold.
As the dust slowly settled, Varyar heard a soft but manly groan coming from the darkness. Following the sound, he almost tripped into the hole that once served as his house's foundation. Below, in the remains of the moonlight, he saw Arnold pinned under a support joist. "Get me out of here," Arnold called up. Thankfully, the stairs that led to the basement remained intact after the blast, and Varyar was able to quickly get to his fallen comrade and carefully move the debris.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 4
Nov 29th 2014
EPISODE 4 - in which the plot thickens
Although he was an international superstar used to wealth and privilege, Arnold was impressed with the bachelor pad Varyar had constructed. It was comfortable without being feminine, well-stocked with weaponry but not so much that it looked like an extremist compound. It was a good balance, and pleasing to the eye. He wasn't entirely sure what to make of the legions of Internet fans waiting eagerly for Varyar's arrival – hordes of scantily clad women would have made more sense to him – but he had to appreciate the usefulness of having both a high-quality telecommunications setup in the house and a worldwide network of tech-savvy allies at their immediate disposal.
To Arnold, crushing his enemies' skulls with his bare hands was easy; deciphering the gibberish that was Tara Gilesbie's epic saga made him want to crush his own skull. Fortunately, this Highlander fellow had sketched out a rough outline of the most important plot points – who was and was not a poser or a prep, a chronological listing of each character whom Snoop had raped, all the way up to the revelation that Enoby with her magnificent bobs was pregnant with Da Bark Lurd. Some of the intel seemed questionable; Arnold had personally met Albus Dumbledore once in the '70s and had a hard time picturing him screaming "motherfuckers" at a couple of whiney teenagers as reported in chapter 4, not to mention he had it on good authority that Draco was in fact dating Mary Sue. However, other passages, such as da Bark Lurd's propensity for organizing and promoting concerts where he and his Death Dealers posed as members of My Chemical Romance, were frighteningly accurate.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 3
Nov 29th 2014
EPISODE THREE in which Varyar and The Governator encounter some action
*****
The chopper ride was extremely frightening, even to a former Marine.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 2*
Nov 12th 2014
EPISODE TWO: In which Varyar meets a great quasi-American hero and tries to make a sweet sale
The clock read five minutes to nine. It seemed like an hour since the minute hand had last ticked closer to closing time. Varyar had contemplated closing the shop early – this was the slow season, and he'd only had a handful of browsers shuffle through during his shift – but as much as he knew his internet fans would love for him to start his show on time, it was his obligation, nay, his duty to keep his business open until closing time.
Five minutes. He stifled a yawn and rearranged a display of tennis balls for the umpteenth time.
Fiction
Varyar: The Fanfic - Episode One
Nov 12th 2014
Episode One: In which Varyar Narrowly Escapes a Devil's Threeway
He walked into the bank lobby, clad only in his Converse tennies and an adult-sized giraffe onesie. From the other side of the counter she noticed his cool shades and the lack of ring on his left finger. 'I can help the next customer,' she said to him in a suggestive manner.
'I just need a new bank card, ma'am,' he said, not catching the meaning in her statement.