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Fiction
The Fireside Tales - Chapter One
Jan 21st 2015
Chapter One: The Swallowtail Festival
"For five years, the faithful of Sandpoint have attended church in temporary structures erected after a fire destroyed the previous temple. The Late Unpleasantness took from the people of Sandpoint friends, family, and possibly, their hope. However, they have stayed, despite the physical and emotional anguish, and they have kept their faith as a new temple was built. Five years after The Late Unpleasantness and the citizens of Sandpoint's faith was rewarded as the new temple, built to worship many gods, was completed. And now a festival was organized to consecrate the new temple."
Valtyra ran these thoughts through her mind as she sat on the bench near a food vendor. She watched as more and more people arrived to the small town of Sandpoint, joyous and excited for the festival. The half-elf looked up at the building across the square from her.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 12
Jan 17th 2015
Episode 12, in which HOLY SHIT THINGS JUST GOT REAL.
Hax had just finished slipping the silencer onto his Walther when Killer disappeared into the compound, followed by Varyar, Edge, Arnold, Vampy, and Lyserg. He took another scan of the fields surrounding them – there was a change in the air, something he couldn't quite put his finger on, and he didn't like it. He saw nothing, but kept his guard up as he backed up to the door and followed his friends inside.
It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the cavernous room, the first of what the plans showed to be a virtual labyrinth of sets and storage areas comprising the old studio. There was a partial wall separating the entry area from the main soundstage, connected by an elaborate network of catwalks high above their heads. This could prove a liability if Da Bark Lurd's followers were able to take the higher vantage point, but Hax had more faith in Vampy's skill with the Barrett 50 than he did in some of the top snipers for MI6. As the others made sure the area was clear, he could see her and Lyserg scanning for the ideal spot to set up her "Vampy-hole" as they quietly made their way over to a rusty access ladder.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 11
Jan 11th 2015
EPISODE 11 – in which YES VARYAR WE GET TO THE HEROICS!
Bio shuffled listlessly about the cell, trying hard to think of something other than the horrible song playing through his mind on a loop. These animals had forced him to edit his own hostage video, eaten an entire bag of Cadbury Minis in front of him without sharing, and then forced him into a frigid cell where they piped the "Elmo's World" song at him for an hour straight. He'd begged Elmo to shoot him at that point, to which the furry monster just laughed. "Elmo doesn't like guns. Elmo likes to look in the enemy's eyes when delivering Elmo's vengeance."
The maniacal laughter nearly did him in.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 10
Jan 11th 2015
EPISODE 10 – in which we are almost to the heroics! Oh, and there are more revelations (at Killer's expense)
"You're not going."
"Edge..."
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 9
Dec 27th 2014
EPISODE 9 - in which the team is shaken
From her seat in the shadows of the auditorium, Umamor had a clear view of Bio wriggling around on the floor as Elmo approached. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Yeah, Bio had run his mouth and sided with the Baroness, but it pained her to see him at the mercy of a cult – even if it was a cult she had a high rank in. Hearing the maniacal cackle of the red puppet dancing just offstage, Uma rose and swept across the sound stage, heels clacking as her ceremonial robes trailed behind her. This would not stand.
She was the one who had brought Elmo to power, after all: it was her séance, her Ouija board that summoned the spirit of Elmo to her circle. What the hell did Baron know, anyway, telling her to stay away from the tools she needed to bring her Lord of Terror back to the earthly plane? To see the life heave into that furry chest, the ping-pong eyes flutter to alertness, seemed to her to be almost like bringing a child into the world. She loved this creature she had given life to. Even when he started hanging out with shady characters like Mr. Noodle, Uma loved watching him grow these past few months into the unholy devil she knew he was meant to be.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 8
Dec 20th 2014
EPISODE 8 – in which...revelations.
While the rest of the house dozed, Baroness sat in the darkness, watching the early gray light of the dawn creep through the windows. She hadn't slept all night. Edge's words from earlier echoed in her mind: He'll be dead soon if we don't figure out how to rescue him. And it was her fault. She was the one, not Bio, who'd opened her mouth on the air about the Cult of Sesame Street. She was the one who responded to threats with a flippant come-and-get-it attitude. She was the one who decided to take a stand by poking the bear, and it was she, not Bio, who should be God-knows-where facing the consequences of those actions. Restless, she hugged her pink bathrobe about her to ward off the morning's chill and slipped out of the warm bed, doing her best not to disturb the sleeping Baron snoring quietly beside her. She crept silently past the guest rooms containing her dozing friends and down the stairs, through the darkened living room, and down a second set of stairs leading to her workshop.
She sank into her desk chair, a click of the lamp illuminating the photos on the wall. One was a snapshot of herself, Baron, and Varyar at the first Orbfest; Baroness smiled at the memory of how the team came together that night to pull off the event, in spite of numerous technical issues and the ever-present threat of banjo-wielding hillbillies migrating down from the hills. Another was of her and Vampy dressed to the nines for RCM's first Webby Awards ceremony, with Killer photobombing in the background. A third, one of her favorites, was of Edge, Bio, and Varyar at the same awards event, all dressed in black-tie formal. In it, Edge gave a sly grin as he flipped off the camera while the other two stood laughing, Bio's facepalm covering his eyes while Varyar hung his head.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 7
Dec 13th 2014
EPISODE 7, in which you'd better go to the bathroom before reading because a LOT of stuff happens
*****
With a quiet groan, Bio finally started to come to. The back of his head was throbbing like he'd been hit with a bat or something. He tried to raise his hand to his head, but it wasn't until he felt the ropes tying his wrists to the chair that he struggled to open his eyes. The room was sideways – no, wait, he realized, he was sideways. Sideways and lying against a cold cement floor while tied to a chair. At some point his glasses had slid off, so the room surrounding him had a blurry, dream-like feel. Where was he? How did he get there? As he squinted into the dim lighting, trying to pick out some object, anything to help him get his bearings. He tried to think through the pain to the last thing he remembered.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 6
Dec 7th 2014
EPISODE 6 in which THE CAVALRY ARRIVE!
Hax adjusted the button of his suit jacket and debated whether to don his overcoat before leaving the terminal. It was difficult to gauge the temperature outside. Half of the people he'd encountered since exiting the plane were dressed in shorts and tee-shirts, while the other half bundled up in parkas and stiletto heels.
I'm not sure I'll ever understand Americans, he thought.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 5
Dec 2nd 2014
EPISODE 5, in which Varyar rallies his troops and shows why HE is the goddamned leader at RCM!
For a moment, Varyar thought he was dead. The explosion had been deafening, which made the silence that followed exceptionally stark. Unable to even blink, he watched as the flakes of ash fluttered against the night sky like snowflakes from Hell. Gradually, he became aware of an aching in his chest, his lungs burning with their plea to be given oxygen once more. In an instant, the initial shock wore off and he closed his eyes, gulping air into his harassed lungs as he assessed his bodily damage. Toes wiggle? Check. Fingers? Check. Raise arms? Check and check. Slowly he worked his way up to a sitting position and, feeling no breaks, attempted to stand. Silent no more, the ringing in his ears was nearly unbearable as equilibrium struggled to right itself, but Varyar knew that would pass in time. Thankful there didn't appear to be any major damage, he stumbled through the wreckage of his home in search of Arnold.
As the dust slowly settled, Varyar heard a soft but manly groan coming from the darkness. Following the sound, he almost tripped into the hole that once served as his house's foundation. Below, in the remains of the moonlight, he saw Arnold pinned under a support joist. "Get me out of here," Arnold called up. Thankfully, the stairs that led to the basement remained intact after the blast, and Varyar was able to quickly get to his fallen comrade and carefully move the debris.
Fiction
RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 4
Nov 29th 2014
EPISODE 4 - in which the plot thickens
Although he was an international superstar used to wealth and privilege, Arnold was impressed with the bachelor pad Varyar had constructed. It was comfortable without being feminine, well-stocked with weaponry but not so much that it looked like an extremist compound. It was a good balance, and pleasing to the eye. He wasn't entirely sure what to make of the legions of Internet fans waiting eagerly for Varyar's arrival – hordes of scantily clad women would have made more sense to him – but he had to appreciate the usefulness of having both a high-quality telecommunications setup in the house and a worldwide network of tech-savvy allies at their immediate disposal.
To Arnold, crushing his enemies' skulls with his bare hands was easy; deciphering the gibberish that was Tara Gilesbie's epic saga made him want to crush his own skull. Fortunately, this Highlander fellow had sketched out a rough outline of the most important plot points – who was and was not a poser or a prep, a chronological listing of each character whom Snoop had raped, all the way up to the revelation that Enoby with her magnificent bobs was pregnant with Da Bark Lurd. Some of the intel seemed questionable; Arnold had personally met Albus Dumbledore once in the '70s and had a hard time picturing him screaming "motherfuckers" at a couple of whiney teenagers as reported in chapter 4, not to mention he had it on good authority that Draco was in fact dating Mary Sue. However, other passages, such as da Bark Lurd's propensity for organizing and promoting concerts where he and his Death Dealers posed as members of My Chemical Romance, were frighteningly accurate.