RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 13
Episode 13, in which Rivalcast shows exactly what they’re made of.


From her perch on the catwalk, Umamor screamed as she saw the trip line just before Varyar fell. As she watched him crash to the ground with the army of deranged dolls led by Elmo closing in, time slowed to a stop. Looking about her, she could see Killer’s mouth frozen open in surprise; Hax dropping his phone as he leapt up, gun in hand; Arnold tossing his Desert Eagle back behind him as he switched to his Sagat 12-guage; the blast from Lyserg’s shotgun suspended in a cloud of brilliant orange fire ringed with blue smoke. Across from her, Vampy’s pose showed awareness of the evil puppet behind her, though she hadn’t yet turned to face it. Below, Edge was still looking up at Bio on the catwalk, who in turn had just touched the handrail as he leaned to peer over at his friends.

“This can’t be happening.†Umamor looked around at the scene paused in front of her, realizing this was Da Bark Lurd’s plan all along: take out the leader, force the team’s perspective away from the mission, and destroy them all. Trying not to hyperventilate as she noted how the glint of Elmo’s switchblade exactly matched the malevolent glint in his eye, she choked back a sob. “IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!â€

“It doesn’t have to be, lass.â€

Umamor gasped, recognizing that thick Scottish burr at once. “Lord Duncan McDonald! The mysterious inter-fanfic time-traveling dragon! What are YOU doing here?â€

She spun around to find Lord Duncan McDonald standing there, his distinctive tartan fluttering softly over his green scales from some ethereal breeze as he gazed at her. “Aye, lass, it is I! I felt your distress tearing through the very fabric of time and space, and came as quickly as I could to render aid at your time of peril.â€

“Oh, Duncan!†Uma sobbed onto the tough wool of the tartan, “I don’t know what else to do! Is there any way to go back in time to stop this from happening?â€

The dragon sighed as he cast a magnificent amber eye on his young friend. It pained his reptilian heart to see her in such distress, especially when the rules of time travel excluded the possibility of granting her request. The butterfly effect that started from her session with the Ouija board was farther reaching than Umamor could imagine with her tiny human brain; to change anything from that moment would change storylines for countless others. He tapped a claw against his leathery cheek and thought a moment. “There is, perhaps, something that can be done. Give me a moment…†The dragon faded and disappeared in a rainbow flash, then reappeared a few seconds later looking tired but triumphant. “It is done. It was difficult typing on the Englishman’s computer with my claws, especially since I only had a minute to do so whilst he’d gotten up to watch a video with your clan, but I think that one change may be enough…â€


Baroness pushed the Mini as quickly as she dared through the winding country roads, careening around corners and over hills as she sped toward the location of the old studio. It wouldn’t do to get pulled over now; without Space Donut and outside of the I-80 corridor, she was outside of her sphere of influence, so any infractions would cost precious time that could in turn cost her friends their lives. She checked the rearview mirror for the thousandth time since hitting the highway; maybe it was just paranoia, but she was sure she’d kept seeing the same dark blue sedan following her since she left the house. But she was almost there, and as she cruised through the city limits of the last town mapped on her route, Baroness could feel the anticipation rising. She pulled to an antsy stop at the lone red light in the town, tapping her fingers impatiently on the top of the steering wheel. Feeling eyes on her, she smiled prettily at the cop staring at the Mini from the opposing corner â€" they didn’t see many of them fancy city cars in their town â€" while praying silently in her head please don’t follow, please don’t follow, please don’t…

The light turned green, and she breathed a sigh of relief as the old patrolman went back to his newspaper as she passed. Another two miles down the road and she’d be coming to the long dirt path that led to the old compound.

Still unnoticed in the back seat, the black Elmo’s eyes shifted slowly from side to side.


"STOP SHOOTING!" The sounds of gunfire mingled with Killer's voice came faintly through the darkness. "HE'S GOT VARYAR BLOCKING HIM!"


The loud cackle in his ear brought Varyar slowly back to the land of the living. He seemed to be held in place by some unearthly force â€" he didn’t feel ropes or other binds, yet he couldn’t move his arms or legs. He could, however feel the creepy softness of Elmo’s fur contrasting with the cold, sharp steel of the switchblade at his throat. In complete contrast to how the world normally works, the little fucker was a lot bigger in person than he was on TV â€" Varyar pegged him at about 4’10†by the direction of the laughter. He flexed his muscles and squirmed a little, but whatever this force was had to be pure evil â€" even the power of The Beard wasn’t strong enough to break its hold.


“Would someone please shoot this bastard already?†Varyar yelled. “His irritating laugh is starting to get to me.â€

“I know the feeling!†Bio’s voice called weakly from somewhere in the deep shadows of the catwalk.

“I can’t get a clear shot,†Vampy yelled back from the other side.

“Nobody fire,†Killer warned, “Varyar’s way too close.â€

From his position just to Killer’s right, Hax kept his Walther trained squarely on the back of the puppet’s head, but at this range (and thinking about the shots he took at the minion Muppet earlier), the bullet would pass right through and kill his friend. He couldn’t do it. As important as this mission was â€" and given the supernatural turn of events, the demolition of Da Bark Lurd’s cult was imperative for the safety of the world - some things were more important. Hax had dealt with many hostage situations before, but it was always different when the target was one of your own.

As these thoughts went through his head, out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of chestnut hair and a tan trench coat race across the background, scooping something from the ground before disappearing from his line of sight. What in the bloody hell…

“AH HAHAHAHA HA HAAA!†Elmo cackled. “Elmo sees by the fear in your eyes that by taking your leader as hostage, Elmo wins! Yay! Elmo says that Rivalcast will pay for the disrespect shown to Da Bark Lurd-“ his voice distorted to a demonic tone for a moment before continuing, “-with their very souls.â€

Varyar’s head was throbbing. “No, really, guys,†he pleaded, “Just take the shot and end this evil fucker.â€

“As much as I would love to,†Edge replied evenly as he kept the sight of his FN P-90 on the one patch of red fur not blocked by Varyar’s face, “I need you to move over a little before I can do so. Unless, of course, I inherit your stake in the station.â€

“In the case of my death, I already willed all of my Earthly possessions, including RCM, to Emma Watson.â€

“Well, then I guess you have to deal with Da Bark Lurd cackling at you a bit longer.â€

Just then, Hax caught sight of the Baroness making it to the top of the catwalk. Hitting the edge of the elevated walkway, her blue eyes surveyed the scene before locking on his for just a moment. Hax watched her take a deep breath. Before he could react, she hefted a heavy steel pistol over the rail and pulled the trigger.


Crap, what happened last time? On to the next episode
Comment thread »
Baroness, don't forget when doing this story, something I mentioned in TeamSpeak a LONG time ago (I'll be back soon, I haven't disappeared permanently) that Varyar and a few others did agree with: "There is no problem that cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives." :D
Patience, Gorione, patience! :-D
"The_Baroness" wrote:
Patience, Gorione, patience! :-D

Ooops, getting ahead of myself. Didn't mean to showbiz ya there. ;)