RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 11
EPISODE 11 – in which YES VARYAR WE GET TO THE HEROICS!

Bio shuffled listlessly about the cell, trying hard to think of something other than the horrible song playing through his mind on a loop. These animals had forced him to edit his own hostage video, eaten an entire bag of Cadbury Minis in front of him without sharing, and then forced him into a frigid cell where they piped the "Elmo's World" song at him for an hour straight. He'd begged Elmo to shoot him at that point, to which the furry monster just laughed. "Elmo doesn't like guns. Elmo likes to look in the enemy's eyes when delivering Elmo's vengeance."

The maniacal laughter nearly did him in.

On the other hand, he was glad to be free from the chair; the rope burns on his wrists would take a while to heal. Assuming he got out alive. Bio shook that thought from his mind, too. Of course he'd get out. Baroness would have seen the video by now and got it to Hax, who would have found his message and launched some sort of awesome spy mission stuff that probably included sexy women and lots of gunplay. They'd be kicking in the door to his cold, grey cell any minute now.

Any minute.

He hoped.

A soft scuffling sound just outside the door caught his attention; could his salvation be at hand? Bio shrank back to the corner of the cell to wait. Would it be friend or foe to come through that door? He crouched with bated breath as the key clicked in the lock. There was the thud of a shoulder hitting the door, forcing the steel hinges open.

Bio blinked, then rubbed his eyes. "Umamor?"

"We don't have much time," she said in a rushed whisper. "They're all crazy, and if they catch me down here it will mean death for us both. I'm so sorry, Bio. It wasn't supposed to be like this." Uma took a quick glance up and down the hall. "Come on, hurry!"

"Wait," Bio tried to wrap his head around this turn of events. "Why are you even here? Where are the others?"

"I told you, there's not time to...oh, shit." Uma's eyes went huge as she ducked back into the room. "He's coming, and he has his lieutenants with him. What do we do?"

Bio looked at her, then started yelling as he saw the red fur coming turning in through the doorway. "I said NO! I will NOT join you and your evil puppets, no matter HOW you tempt me! How DARE you sashay in here like you can manipulate my loyalties?" He took a threatening step towards her, causing her to take an involuntary step back. "I WILL NEVER JOIN YOU!"

At that, Da Bark Lurd's minions tackled him to the floor. Though he couldn't see through the mess of craft fur, Bio could hear that god awful laugh as he hit the ground.

"Elmo is pleased with Umamor's initiative! Elmo thinks we should celebrate Umamor coming into the fold! Yay!"

As Elmo escorted her from the room, Uma took one last sorrowful look over her shoulder at her friend being roughly tossed into the corner by the minions. As the piped-in music filled the cell once more, the last thing she heard before the door shut was Bio's tormented scream.

*****

It had been just over an hour since the team embarked from the Castle von Gosu to battle Da Bark Lurd, and the Baroness had spent that time pacing the halls, checking her phone every other minute. The silence was deafening, but Varyar couldn't get 3G connectivity in the parts of Ohio they were travelling through, so Team Speak was out. On the table, her laptop showed the work she'd completed to keep her mind occupied – she wrote and scheduled all the shows' Facebook posts for the next month and then single-handedly started a hashtag trend on the Tweeter – but she was ready to burst out of her skin from the anticipation of how her friends would fare. Would they make it to Bio in time? Could they defeat Da Bark Lurd? Would they encounter banjo people on the way to Steubenville? The possibilities were maddening. She poured herself another Coke and tried to maintain even breathing. It would not do to panic. The entire reason she was left at base was to avoid panicking. And yet...

She jumped as her phone buzzed; it was Vampy texting that they'd made it. It was on. Baroness said a little prayer to whatever deities might be listening and tried to focus her mind on something other than that she should be there with them. Sighing, she sat down again in front of the laptop and logged into her RCM account to work on some archival items. She may as well find some way to be useful.

"New messages," Baroness mumbled to herself as she clicked to her inbox. There was the standard – Olive's latest spider photos, a message from Manly Stuff with the subject tag Where's the Horror?, Gorione posting a link to lord-knows-what, Wil Wheaton sending yet another friend request that would go unanswered. What caught her eye, however, was a message from Hax dated earlier that morning with the subject "BARONESS READ NOW!!!" It was odd on a number of levels – in addition to Hax having physically been within fifteen feet of her the entire morning, he wasn't the type to add extraneous exclamation points and sure as hell had more etiquette than to type in all caps. Cautiously, she clicked open the link and quickly read the few lines:

BARONESS,

There is no time to explain, but your friends are in mortal danger. Da Bark Lurd is more powerful than you can imagine. You must make haste to the rendezvous point – their fates now lie solely in your hands.

LDM

Baroness felt her stomach plummet. It could be a trap, but her instinct told her to take the chance. Quickly, she pulled up the directions to the workshop compound, grabbed her jacket and another Coke, and headed for the door. She should be able to get there in... she paused, suddenly remembering that Space Donut would not be waiting in her driveway. Vampy's Mustang was blocked, so the remaining choices were Edge's car (V8 but unwieldy), or Lyserg's Mini. There was really no decision to be made. She grabbed the keys from the table, slid into the Mini's driver's seat, and took off down the street so quickly that she neglected to notice the small black Elmo doll buckled into the back seat.

*****
Vampy clicked the phone case shut and started back toward the entrance to the compound. Hax was wiring a device to the electronic keypad which appeared to be the only barrier between them and whatever fate awaited them inside – a sweep of the exterior had shown no sign of any security cameras or alarms of any kind. The outskirts of Steubenville were several miles away, and they hadn't seen a single living creature – not even a bird – after they'd turned off the main road and up to the dilapidated building. The whole place had a spooky vibe to it that she was sure Baron would love to investigate for one of his ghost hunts. Vampy shivered, pulling her jacket a little tighter against the breeze and brushing her fingers against the reassuring steel of her pistol. It was time to get Bio back.
She approached just in time to hear Hax giving an explanation of how the device worked.

"So then the electrical impulse feeds through the wires and into the locking mechanism, where it basically overrides the code that keeps the..."

"Dis is boring," Arnold interjected with an unstifled yawn.

Hax glared at him; The Governator had been making little snips at him all afternoon, and he was quickly tiring of it. "This is important. This device is what's going to help give us the element of surprise."

Arnold yawned again as he pulled out his Desert Eagle and fired one shot through the lock.

As the door slowly swung open from the force of the shot, Hax looked so intense that Vampy worried he might rupture a blood vessel. The grey eyes she knew so well now burned with an icy fire as he clenched his fists in an attempt to keep himself under control. "You, sir, are nothing but a muscle bound and crumpet brained Austrian American whose largest accomplishment was tricking the most shallow state in the Colonies into making you their leader," he fumed. "I, on the other hand, am a gentleman of good breeding from the greatest empire in the history of man, though as a result of your conduct I might be inclined to forget that, were there not a lady present."

Vampy shrugged. "Don't hold back on my account."

"Sandbox," Killer reminded them as he shouldered his SCAR. He nodded at Varyar, took a quick look at the rest of the team as they readied their weapons, and then drew a deep breath as he kicked the door open the rest of the way with his toe.

It was showtime.

****
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Crap, what happened last time? On to the next episode
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