RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 9
EPISODE 9 - in which the team is shaken

From her seat in the shadows of the auditorium, Umamor had a clear view of Bio wriggling around on the floor as Elmo approached. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Yeah, Bio had run his mouth and sided with the Baroness, but it pained her to see him at the mercy of a cult â€" even if it was a cult she had a high rank in. Hearing the maniacal cackle of the red puppet dancing just offstage, Uma rose and swept across the sound stage, heels clacking as her ceremonial robes trailed behind her. This would not stand.

She was the one who had brought Elmo to power, after all: it was her séance, her Ouija board that summoned the spirit of Elmo to her circle. What the hell did Baron know, anyway, telling her to stay away from the tools she needed to bring her Lord of Terror back to the earthly plane? To see the life heave into that furry chest, the ping-pong eyes flutter to alertness, seemed to her to be almost like bringing a child into the world. She loved this creature she had given life to. Even when he started hanging out with shady characters like Mr. Noodle, Uma loved watching him grow these past few months into the unholy devil she knew he was meant to be.

But Bio was her friend, and being guardian of the Dark One on Earth meant that occasionally she’d need to rein Elmo in. She’d just give him a talking-to, they’d send Bio on his way and all would be well again. It was probably that creepy Mr. Noodle’s fault, anyway. Such was her mindset as she ascended the two steps from the sound stage floor to the doorway of the workshop.

As soon as she crossed the threshold, the clack of her heels abruptly stopped and a scream caught in her throat. Hundreds of eyes stared at her from the shadows of the shop, their malicious glint telling her instantly that all would not be well after all. The sudden jarring cackle to her right made her jump as her evil love-bean approached with a web camera in hand.

“Elmo is happy to see Umamor has joined us!†Elmo’s voice had a taunting edge to it. “Elmo thinks Umamor should help Elmo make an example of this traitor! What do you think, Dorothy?â€

Umamor’s eyes involuntarily went to the fish bowl on the prop dresser, where the remains of Dorothy floated belly-up at the top of the glass.

“That’s right, Dorothy! Umamor does know where her loyalties lie…if she knows what’s good for her.â€

At that moment, Umamor noticed the glint of the knife in Elmo’s other paw and realized she’d made a terrible mistake.

Baron rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he headed down the stairs, not bothering to tie his bathrobe as he shuffled down the steps. He’d had some weird dreams about letting Vampy sleep on his couch, but other than that the morning started as every other: Calvin mewing loudly and repeatedly beginning at 8:14 on the nose, the stumble into the bathroom, and now the ceremonial offering of the Fancy Feast that would be sniffed at, ignored, and then possibly sampled later. The routine was so precise that one could set a watch to it, which is exactly why it was so startling when Baron rounded the corner of the staircase to find his living room stacked with weaponry and his friends all sitting around on their phones, laptops, and tablets.

“Ah, whoa…†was Killer’s reaction.

“Wow, you really do roam the house pantless,†came Vampy’s voice as Baron quickly pulled the robe closed.

“’Sup Baron,†Lyserg replied as he tried to somehow get the pieces of his Galaxy back together. “Sleep well?â€

So maybe it wasn’t a dream. Baron tried to remember, but the past few weeks were a blur â€" between long days working both jobs and late nights working on ghost footage, there hadn’t been much time for sleep or even coherent thought. He finally gave up. “Ok, I should know this, and I’m sorry, but what are you all doing in my house?â€

“Bark Lurd bullshit,†Varyar told him, without bothering to look up. “Fucker kidnapped Bio and we’re trying to get him back before show time.â€

“Ok. So shouldn’t we be at RCM Headquarters?â€

Baroness entered from the kitchen, sipping her cup of tea as she set another one next to Hax. “Well, honey, technically we are. Remember the RCMII clause?â€

He thought a moment. “Article One, or Article Two?â€

“Two.†She pulled her buzzing phone from her back pocket and flipped open the message.

Baron’s jaw dropped as he turned back to Varyar. “They blew up your fucking HOUSE?â€

“What was Article One?†Vampy whispered to Killer.

“Varyar’s house burning down from an errantly tossed cigarette butt,†Killer whispered back.

“I can fucking hear you,†Varyar warned from his spot two feet away.

“Why are you all being so goddamned LOUD?†Edge’s sleepy voice griped from the end of the couch. “Some of us have been up all night.â€

“Tell me about it,†Lyserg snapped back.

“STOP VHINING!†Arnold yelled from the corner. “Dis is vhat da Bark Lurd vants!â€

“You’re right. Bio needs us to stay focused right now. We are a team, and if we fall apart, our mission fails.†Varyar took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, guys.â€

Edge grunted and rubbed his eyes. “I’m not.â€

“Goddamn it Edge, go upstairs and sleep!â€

Just then, the entire group heard Calvin’s loud, unearthly wailing from the guest room. Edge sat up and raised an eyebrow at his friend. “You were saying?â€

Before Varyar could react, Edge noticed Baroness sway slightly as she grabbed the arm of the couch, her knuckles white as she clutched the phone in her other hand. He took one look at the screen, then in one fluid motion got off the couch, passed the phone to Varyar, and pulled Baroness away into the kitchen.

Varyar looked at the screen, paled, then forwarded the video to Killer’s tablet. He silently gestured for the team to gather around. Even Hax left his laptop for a moment as the group formed a circle of solidarity.

Still silent, Varyar slowly looked at each of his team members in turn, then closed his eyes and pressed play.

Thoughts? Comments? Hate mail? Get the conversation started on the comments thread below or @BaronessvGosu on the Tweeter

Crap, what happened last time? On to the next episode
Comment thread »
So....this shit is getting dark....I demand more explosions and heroic exploits!
I really hope I don't get stabbed to death >.<
Patience, noble leader! We are getting to the explosions and heroics. I promise there will be many explosions, and heroics, and snappy one-liners (I've had a lot of the dialogue mapped out for this already). But the appropriate scene must be set first (of COURSE things are dark, our friend was kidnapped by an army of demonic puppets!), so we're just about there.

And Uma, you don't get stabbed.
Love the fanfic so far. But you do know, Highlander's going to start complaining if he doesn't show up soon (a la the EC comic a couple of years back).
Nah, Highlander will be ok -his character is in Orlando, as was referenced in Episode 4. There may yes be additional storylines in the works for future RCM fanfic runs, mainly because I keep getting emails asking for cameo spots (keep 'em coming) and because I can't fit everyone into this one and have it remain coherent.