RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 4
EPISODE 4 - in which the plot thickens

Although he was an international superstar used to wealth and privilege, Arnold was impressed with the bachelor pad Varyar had constructed. It was comfortable without being feminine, well-stocked with weaponry but not so much that it looked like an extremist compound. It was a good balance, and pleasing to the eye. He wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the legions of Internet fans waiting eagerly for Varyar’s arrival â€" hordes of scantily clad women would have made more sense to him â€" but he had to appreciate the usefulness of having both a high-quality telecommunications setup in the house and a worldwide network of tech-savvy allies at their immediate disposal.

To Arnold, crushing his enemies’ skulls with his bare hands was easy; deciphering the gibberish that was Tara Gilesbie’s epic saga made him want to crush his own skull. Fortunately, this Highlander fellow had sketched out a rough outline of the most important plot points â€" who was and was not a poser or a prep, a chronological listing of each character whom Snoop had raped, all the way up to the revelation that Enoby with her magnificent bobs was pregnant with Da Bark Lurd. Some of the intel seemed questionable; Arnold had personally met Albus Dumbledore once in the â€~70s and had a hard time picturing him screaming “motherfuckers†at a couple of whiney teenagers as reported in chapter 4, not to mention he had it on good authority that Draco was in fact dating Mary Sue. However, other passages, such as da Bark Lurd’s propensity for organizing and promoting concerts where he and his Death Dealers posed as members of My Chemical Romance, were frighteningly accurate.

When he’d finished reading Chapter 44, the Governator eased back in his chair, his muscles naturally rippling under his polo as he ignored the umpti-seventh IRC chat notification that popped onto the screen. Varyar was kicked back in his recliner, sipping a beer and waiting for the reaction.

“It is chilly in here. Dis is da last of the intel?â€


“And dis friend of yours, dis High Lander â€" “ Arnold separated the name into two words “ â€" he has fled like a coward to da land of da cartoon mouse?â€

“He lives in Orlando now, yes. To be fair, I don’t think he realized Tara Gilesbie was a secret agent trying to smuggle intel about the Bark Lurd’s movements out via a really poorly written fan fic.â€

Arnold scowled. “English is not an easy language to master.â€

“Well, I get that, but it should be easier if it’s your native tongue.†He sighed. “So where do we go from here?â€

The Governator pulled a cigar case from his jacket pocket, offering one to Varyar before lighting his own. Before he could answer, Varyar’s phone chirped. Arnold puffed slowly on the stogie as Varyar read the message, the furrow on his brow deepening as he read the tiny screen and then quickly pushed past to check something on the computer. Scanning through the list of IRC users, he quickly typed something into the chat, then slammed his fist in frustration when the answer he feared popped back on the screen.

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity God-fucking-dammit.â€

“Vat is wrong?â€

Varyar tried not to let his face betray the fear growing in his heart, but his eyes could not hide his building concern as he faced his hero. “Biomed Alchemist is missing.â€

Arnold blew a thick smoke ring. “Ah, he is clever. Missing made some interesting comments in da chat.†He slapped his knee. “I luf a good zinger!â€

“No, no, no,†Varyar tugged nervously at his beard, “Bio and Missing are different people, although both get in good one-liners. No, Bio has disappeared. Nobody seems to know where he is.â€

“Dis is bad? Maybe he is doing something not on da computer.â€

“NEVER!†Varyar’s emotions gave way. “Bio is ALWAYS online, tinkering with the feed, troubleshooting questions, stimulating IRC and Teamspeak conversation, monitoring from the background as he plays his games. Shit, this guy sleeps with the fucking Shoutcast stream softly playing next to his bed so he can make sure the 24 hour stream is up all the time. He IS the goddamn Rivalcast. Bio not being online is like saying the fucking Apocalypse has begun. I’ve always thought of him as a sort of ethereal web creature, part man, part myth. He’s like the fucking Wizard of Oz.†Varyar took a deep swig of his beer to brace himself, then looked back at a surprised Arnold. “Sorry. The Wizard of Oz is a character from-"

“I know who da fucking Vizard of Oz is,†Arnold cut him off, taking another puff of the stogie. He ran a hand through his impressively thick hair, deep in thought. “I do not believe your friend’s disappearance is an accident, or a â€" what is the word â€" coincidence. I do not think it is those things. I think†- he paused for effect â€" “I think he may have been kidnapped. If your friend is as involved as you say, perhaps da Bark Lurd is trying to silence your Rivalcast by silencing your friend.â€

Varyar sank back onto his recliner, almost dropping his beer as the weight of the Governator’s statement hit home. “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…â€

Just then, a loud explosion rocked the house from its very foundations.

Thoughts? Comments? Hate mail? Get the conversation started on the comments thread below or @BaronessvGosu on the Tweeter

Crap, what happened last time? On to the next episode
Comment thread »
hahaha all I can picture is Varyar dropping to his knees raising hands to the sky and wailing "NOOOOO not BIO, anyone but BIO!"
Alright Baroness, fine, I admit that I'm intrigued.
If the workers of RCM are in danger then what does this mean for Edge and Hax???? Are they next? Will the dynamic duo rescue Biomed? Stay tuned....same bat time.....same bat website.....
This is promising but there is too much talking for a fanfic featuring Arnie.

When do we get to the part with the bottomless magazines and mowing down hordes of goffs and a final fight where Arnie fights Da Bark Lurd in a prolonged struggle before finally killing him by impaling him with Snoop and making a badass one liner like "Who is your Daddy and what does he do?"

Or maybe he fights Tara herself...