RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 3
EPISODE THREE in which Varyar and The Governator encounter some action


The chopper ride was extremely frightening, even to a former Marine.

Almost the instant the pilot had touched down in the Play It Again parking lot, the Governator punched him in the face, rendering the man unconscious, and pulled his body out onto the asphalt.

Varyar was appalled. “Why would you do that?! Doesn’t he work for you?!â€

Arnold paused. “Ja. Sorry. Force of habit.†He pulled a few twenties out of his pants pocket and tucked them inside the pilot’s glove, then proceeded to stuff the sporting goods equipment into the hold. Once finished, Arnold jammed his massive frame into the cockpit and wedged the pilot’s helmet on his own oversized head. Over the roar of the rotors, he yelled to Varyar, “Get in, if you vant to live!â€

“Are you sure you know how to fly this thing?â€

Without bothering to reply, Arnold reached out and grabbed Varyar’s lapel, slinging him easily into the cockpit before immediately taking off. As Varyar scrambled to buckle his safety harness, Arnold motioned for him to put on the other radio headset so they could talk.

“Tell me vat you know about da Bark Lurd.â€

“Well, he shows up in a really bad fan fic based on a pre-teen’s over-sexualized bastardization of the Harry Potter series. We assumed he was based on Lord Voldemort from-"


With that, the chopper took a terrifying lunge sideways. Varyar thought perhaps he was being kidnapped by a crazy man with no valid pilot’s license when suddenly a burst of color exploded to his left. “Holy fucking shit.â€


Another explosion rocked to the right.


As Arnold struggled to right the rocking helicopter, Varyar spied what looked like a little boy shooting a rocket launcher at them from the back of a tortilla stand. The Governator spotted the boy at the same time, flicked a switch on his control panel, then flipped the boy the bird. The boy must have known what was going to happen â€" he didn’t even flinch as the torrent of firepower rained down on his tortilla stand from the chopper. In one final act of defiance before the death blow, the boy made an obscene gesture directed at Arnold before the tortilla stand exploded in a burst of red, white, and blue glory.

Varyar, meanwhile, was nearly hyperventilating. “What the FUCK? What is going on? Why are we blowing up kids on tortilla trucks? What-"

“It is sad. Those vere excellent tortillas,†the Governator cut him off. “But the shooter vas no child. He vas an agent of da Bark Lurd!†Arnold paused for dramatic effect, flaring his nostrils menacingly as his icy stare pierced into Varyar’s soul. “Da Bark Lurd vill stop at NOTHING to get vat he vants. Vatever information you and your friend found, da Bark Lurd will kill you for knowing. He vill kill your friend for knowing, too. Ve must get to your house immediately.â€

“Alright. We want to head south. Once we cross over that stand of trees, you want to veer-"

Before he could finish, Arnold landed the chopper in a Taco Bell parking lot. “Immediately after ve pick up some quesadillas. I’m hungry. Fucking tortilla boy.â€

Thoughts? Comments? Hate mail? Get the conversation started on the comments thread below or @BaronessvGosu on the Tweeter

Crap, what happened last time? On to the next episode
Comment thread »
First of all, I'd like to compliment you on the excellent Pablo Francisco reference....truly top notch...

Beyond that, I hate you a little bit for this.
Episode 4 is coming shortly, my friend :)