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RCM Fanfic - Varyar: Da Bark Lurd Saga Episode 2*
EPISODE TWO: In which Varyar meets a great quasi-American hero and tries to make a sweet sale

The clock read five minutes to nine. It seemed like an hour since the minute hand had last ticked closer to closing time. Varyar had contemplated closing the shop early – this was the slow season, and he'd only had a handful of browsers shuffle through during his shift – but as much as he knew his internet fans would love for him to start his show on time, it was his obligation, nay, his duty to keep his business open until closing time.

Five minutes. He stifled a yawn and rearranged a display of tennis balls for the umpteenth time.

Four minutes.

Varyar checked his watch, then his phone to make sure there wasn't something wrong with the wall clock.

"Screw it," he muttered as he headed toward the back of the store. Maybe by some miracle he could stretch out getting his jacket into a couple of minutes. He could sacrifice a couple of minutes just this once.

As soon as he touched the fabric of his favorite jacket (the Made in America one with all the patriotic patches), from behind him came the tinkling of the front door bell along with the pungent aroma of a stogie. Part of him gave a small, inward groan before the professional in him took charge. "I'm sorry, but smoking isn't allowed in the store," he called out as he headed toward the front.

He had just rounded the rack of baseball equipment when a familiar, Austrian-accented voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

"I smhoke vere I vant to. Efen in my choppa."

Varyar paused, then slowly continued past the golf clubs. The silhouette in the doorway was massive, illuminated from what appeared to be a search light mounted on – was that a tank? Of course it was. What else would Arnold Schwarzenegger drive?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER WAS IN HIS STORE. The all-American, er, quasi-American, um...he held political office IN AMERICA DAMN IT. A true action hero. Was in his store. Smoking a stogie.

"I'm pretty sure my dad's going to have something to say about that," Varyar heard his voice streaming the thoughts playing through his head.

Arnold blew a thick smoke ring and smiled. "Who is your daddy, and what does he do?"

"Um, he's..." Varyar stammered, unable to comprehend what was happening.

"I am looking for something importhant to me. Something I theenk vas traded into your store. Maria vas very upset about...theengs." Arnold took another puff of his cigar. "It was my favorite dumbbell. I am in need of it to get back to my top form, so that I can be pumped for when I do battle vith DA BARK LURD!!!"

"Holy shit."

"You are familiah vith DA BARK LURD?!"

Varyar shuddered. "Well, yeah. We keep up with it every week on my internet show. Last we checked, this Enoby chick was pregnant with it after being allegedly raped by Snoop."

A cloud came over Arnold's face. "So the prince of darkness vants to conquer earth. He has to do eet one hour before midnight. Ees thees eastern time?"

"Um, yes."

"Then come with me if you want to live." Arnold tossed the remnants of his cigar to the floor, grinding it with what appeared to be size 97 combat boots. He took a decisive look around the store, his face lighting as he sighted the missing dumbbell. "Ve vill need to arm ourselves. Take those clubs over there and take dem to my choppa."

Varyar glanced at the clock. It was now five minutes after nine, and his chance of starting his show on time for his legions of fans was quickly starting to dwindle. "Um, Mr. Schwarzenegger, sir, what exactly is your plan for this battle with Da Bark Lurd?"

"My plan is to crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of the women!"

Varyar scratched his head. "Yeah...that might take a while, right? Because I kind of have this internet thing I do Friday nights, and..."

"Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline." Arnold glared at Varyar, then started shoving badminton birdies into a duffel bag. "Ve vill need these too."

At a loss for how a shuttlecock would in any way impair, let alone vanquish an evil wizard-type creature, he asked, "Have you ever killed anyone?"

"Yes, but they were all bad!"

"Well, not to doubt your plan or anything, but I was in the Marines, and I don't remember anything in training about how to defeat darkness with sporting goods equipment. And I definitely think that we need to, um, come up with a tactical plan. Do some recon. At my house. My buddy has...uh...intel, that we could use."

Arnold seemed interested at this and immediately started heading toward the door. "Intel? From a spy?"

"Well, from Highlander. He, um...he pulls Da Bark Lurd's whereabouts off of the internet and reads them over the air to our listeners."

Arnold paused, shaking his head. "I know now why you cry, but it's something I can never do." He grabbed a couple pairs of leather batting gloves from near the register and pointed toward the door. "Get to da choppa! We will hear this intel and den proceed vith de crushing of de enemies."

Varyar walked Arnold out, lugging the massive duffel of assorted sports gear behind them, and turned to lock the doors as the Governator gazed up at the full moon rising. He could hardly believe this was happening. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger showing up at Play It Again was completely plausible, but Da Bark Lurd being real? It was frightening.

Arnold lit up another stogie as sounds of his chopper in the distance slowly came closer. "If revenge is a dish best cold..." he said in his thick Austrian accent, "then put on your Sunday's finest, it's time to feast!"

Varyar stopped what he was doing. "Really? A quote from Batman and Robin?"

Arnold grimaced. "Hey, everybody needs to pay their bills."

******

Thoughts? Comments? Hate mail? Get the conversation started on the comments thread below or @BaronessvGosu on the Tweeter

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Damn you Baroness.....damn you
MADE OF SO MUCH WIN!!!!!
YEESSSSSSS!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Yes, yes, Varyar. I know you are overcome with emotions. I was thinking after I get all the crap unpacked in my workshop I might try my hand at crafting a posable action figure in your image. My vision has it able to do a face-palm while a sound chip makes it say Varyar phrases like "Holy shit," "Ladies love the beard," and "Damn it damn it DAMN IT" (hence the need for the face-palm action). It would also come with the 'Merica jacket mentioned in this week's episode. For the time being, however, you'll have to settle for cookies.

On a separate note, many thanks to my editor who caught and fixed a serious faux pas before we went to publish (you rock!).
This is pretty good, will it continue "Monster of the Week" style or will there be a "plot line"?